30 second update
The past month or so has been crazy for me. 1. I turned 23. 2. I celebrated turning 23. The classiest part of this picture is the lemon wedge that I sucked the fruit off and then returned to the glass...
View ArticleDon’t go home with strangers
If I wanted, my drive to work could be 29 minutes. Instead, it is 31. It could be an easy ride with minimal turns and country views. Instead, I go through two rotaries and pass a homeless man who hates...
View ArticleKnife demo (vlog shiz)
Remember a while ago when I said I’d have my student loans paid off within a year? When I made that goal I somehow forgot that Sam’s Club exists. At Sam’s, strawberries are the size of oranges, oranges...
View ArticleHow Janet Jackson made me cry
My mom and I look alike. Though I have a moonier face, we’re basically twins born 35 years apart. We have nibbly knobs for chins, flapping lobes for ears, and huge gums for teeth. Save for a...
View ArticleDear Mom and Dad (a puppy proposal)
Mom and dad, Jackie and Tim. Seeing as I live in your home, I have a favor to ask of you. Please let me get a dog. I know what you’re thinking. “Allie, you are not responsible enough. You don’t cook...
View ArticleA rocket in your pocket
For me, eighth grade was: 1. Rolling my underpants down four times so they’d fall below my bellybutton. 2. Stuffing my pits with tissues so sweat wouldn’t soak through my shirts. 3. Getting asked out...
View ArticleDOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My name is Allie. Our family dog who passed away a few years ago was named Halle. As a result, I spent ages 7 to 19 being confused with a giant schnauzer. For 12 years, my family accused me dropping...
View ArticleFor Chris
Today is my sister Chris’s birthday. She’s good at giving gifts. Members of my family often tell me that I’m gross. From my T-shirts to toenails, armpits to hag hairs, they like to point out that I am,...
View ArticleHow to get a boyfriend
1. Lose a toenail. I ran cross country throughout high school. I was one of the best on the team, so coach had me practicing two-a-days, running up to seven or eight miles per session. With that much...
View ArticleWhat that smell like?
I locked my keys in my car for the first time last week. I got my Vibe gently used from Enterprise the car renters back in oh-five. When they handed over the first set of keys I snatched em from them...
View ArticleLet me upgrade you
A few weeks ago my brother-in-law, Matt, sent me a link to MrMoneyMustache.com. It’s a blog written by a “freaky financial magician who retired along with a lovely wife at ago 30.” In his “Start here”...
View ArticleWorking on my fitness
“Hi, excuse me. Are you Theresa?” “I am!” “Hi, I’m Allie. You the instructor, right?” “Yes! Nice to meet you. Is this your first time doing Pilates?” “I tried Yogalates once. It was hard! I’m super...
View ArticleTuna fish in the morning
I never know what to write about any more. Fortunately, WordPress posts daily and weekly writing prompts on their blog, the Daily Post. I’m going to start taking their advice cause I ain’t know what...
View ArticleCan a fallopian tube ever bust or break?
After my oldest sister’s first year of college, she substitute taught at an elementary school. One of the classrooms she subbed for was a fifth grade sex education class. On the teacher’s desk was a...
View ArticleBreaking and entering
I took Dizzy and his favorite lady friend, Mazie, for a walk a few weekends ago. We had spent the night before at Mazie’s house, and since her parents and uncle (Tyler and Katie and her brother) were...
View ArticleOne baby, one dog, and one horse
Up until last month, I’d rescued one baby, one dog, and one horse. The Baby I know Steve Buscemi isn’t British, but he looks like he maybe could be. The baby I rescued a few summers ago when I was out...
View ArticleIf I were Beyoncé
If I suddenly found myself in a universe where I was the main character in Beyoncé’s “Partition” song, but had never heard the whole thing before, these are the thoughts I would think and the...
View ArticleAirplane Tweeting
I went to Florida last week.** On the flight home, I ordered a $7 plane drank to help me fall asleep. It did help me fall asleep (#respect), but not before getting me a little lightheaded and then...
View ArticleGoing Crazy
On Saturday, Curtis and I went to the grocery store for sandwich makings. While waiting in the deli line, the smiliest woman I’ve ever seen turned to me and shouted, “HELLO!!!!” I didn’t know this lady...
View ArticleThe Most I Will Be
I just spent an hour reading blogs written by people who live in houses with hard wood floors, white walls, and home offices with salvaged barn door desks. They eat old cheese and hand pies and drink...
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